Deep Dish

Trueth Telling.  What does that even mean?  What does that look like?  Brene Brown's post today on Facebook has prompted me to think about this.  Just in time as I start the "clean up" work from yesterday's non trueth telling family dramatic dynamic meltdown breakdown.  That was how I experienced it anyway.  And I was the one who did not do enough trueth telling.  I found myself tired, too many things out of my control, some very real leftover static in my head (like real weird head noise that had been hanging around for a couple of days) and did I mention tired?  So that is a bad combination on a good day and this turned into a really bad day fast.  As the tightest part of the tension began to show signs of snapping I chose to walk away.  I couldn't find the words to do any of this trueth telling.  Words have always been like loaded guns to me.  Or like landmines.  Always choosing them carefully then mulling them around in my head over and over to only choose a few to actually make it ouf of my mouth.  Or not.  In fact if pressed to give you a percentage I would have to say maybe only 10% ever made it out of my mouth.  Thats a lot of word stuffing I've been doing all my life.  Word stuffing is feeling stuffing.  Emotion stuffing.  And now they weigh so much.  Weighted words.  This comes from several instances of my own Mother saying cruel things to me as a young adult.  I bet if I looked deeper I would find other instances and at even younger years but it is these young adult verbal attacks that are front and center for me.  There is something very powerful about our Mother's word's.  They are weighted in their own way.  Is that becuase she created me?  She feels like my creator?  I came from her.  She is the first ancestor in my "her"story.  She is the one that kept me safe and warm in her belly where we shared a body.  Her and I.  Is it this innate, cellular, psychic knowing that allowed her words to carry the weight that slapped me down to the ground and pinned me under the shame thumb?  I suspect so.  It is her weighted words that lay trapped in my body and I bite them back through clenched teeth to break the chain of it.  So I walk away and alchemize the pain and shame.  It ends here.  And begins with a new way to say the things.  The Trueth Telling.  The kind of trueth telling that starts with smaller words that have low weightedness to them and let them flow out of me as soon as I start to feel uncomfortable so nothing can pile up inside and become so weighty.  So today I made the calls and apologies, cleaned my house, fed my belly and my soul then took a good long hot shower.  Doctors orders (Dr. Anne Lemott)